NEW BLOG

Hello friends! It's been a while hasn't it? I've taken a long blogging hiatus and have actually transitioned to a new blog. This blog's archive will remain public for the time being, but all new posts will be published to my other blog: Jody's Home. Come check it out and join the site. It will have a similar feel as this blog, but won't be limited to one topic. Thank you for all your support!

Jody

A MOTHER'S COURAGE

Since I'm not currently in the mood to write about myself, I thought I'd share a link with you about another mother (from anutha mutha...LOL..I crack myself up) who's gone through a very different kind of challenge and faced it with great courage. Her name is Heather Von St. James and you can click here to read more.

PS- I promise THE SHRINK PART II is coming soon. Everyone knows I can't keep my mouth shut (or words to myself) for very long:).

PROCRASTINATING PART II

I know I said I would write "THE SHRINK PART II" yesterday, but I'm procrastinating.

Writing this blog is usually a good thing, but sometimes I have days when I don't want to talk about myself anymore. I want to anonymously go about my business without everyone knowing my business (I know, I know...I wasn't exactly held at gun point being made to start this blog). Not because I'm ashamed, but because writing about it makes me think long and hard about my "issues". It makes me confront difficult things and analyze myself. Honestly, it's exhausting.

The other day we were talking about prayer with our kids and how you can pray for other people. Sassafras said, "Sometimes I pray for mommy because of her sickness." My heart skipped a beat and I calmly asked, "What do you mean? What kind of sickness does mommy have?" "You know...your sleep problems and how you are sometimes sad," she stated matter-of-factly. Tears welled up in my eyes but she couldn't tell. I smiled and said, "Thank you. That is a very kind thing to do."

That was that as far as she was concerned. But, inside I was angry. Not with her but, angry that I haven't hidden everything better from her. Angry that at the age of 8 she had seen pain in my face. Angry that I have to deal with whatever it is that I have.

I told the hubby I wished she didn't know as much as she did. He asked me why. I told him I didn't want my kids to have childhood memories of "my sickness" or be affected negatively by it or tell their friends about it. The hubby laughed and said, "Our kids have countless happy memories, pain encourages compassion, and you tell everyone everything anyway. You write a blog about it!"

Okay, so he had a point. I do write a blog for goodness sakes. My struggles, and joys for that matter, are no secret. But, I admit, sometimes I wish they were.

When I start to feel this way I ask myself why it is I write this blog. A blog that can, at times, overshadow the many other positive traits that make me me. And every time I do, the same phrase comes to mind, "Do what's right even when it's hard."

I guess I feel angry and sometimes a bit ashamed of my struggles, but I know it's wrong to feel that way so I write a blog to fight the misconceptions, not just held by other people, but myself.

Very Soon I will write part II of THE SHRINK. But, for today friends, I'm going to keep a few things to myself.

THE SHRINK (PART I)

At any given time, I could sit and write a blog post (That is if that time wasn't already taken up with a million other things). An event will take place, inspiration will strike, or a melt down will occur and I will think, "I need to blog about that." Sometimes I have so many thoughts in my head at once that I avoid writing a post all together. Just this morning I started a post and now it's 6 p.m. and I've deleted that one and started this one. That's how quickly my mind races from thought to thought, idea to idea. Somewhere between this morning and now, the first post became all wrong....not good enough. I'm kind of an all or nothing person.

My house is either really clean or a complete disaster; I'm either full on make-up/hair done mode or a homeless person look-a-like; I eat uber healthy and exercise every day or I don't do either for long periods of time. And if I am doing one of the above well, it's a safe bet I'm falling short in the other mentioned areas.

I've always brushed off this all or nothing life style as a quirky personality trait, but in reality, it's not normal. Normal, a word I hate but I'm using for a lack of a better term, is staying on top of most household chores, exercising a few days a week, eating moderately well, not letting mail stack up longer than a few days, etc. etc. I'm not talking about perfection, but I am referring to a fairly consistent way of life.

Now, let's set aside the above while we go back in time a few years to the first time I ever took any medication for my depression, anxiety, and all that crap...

I had a baby, a toddler, and a husband always gone working hard on building his business. I was constantly overwhelmed. We had a family friend who was a doctor. He was kind, knowledgeable, and trustworthy. He listened to my problems and I asked him to prescribe me an Rx for my "issues". He prescribed me something that helped for years. I still struggled with symptoms, but they were largely muted...for the most part, manageable. I will always be thankful for this Rx and my friend. In January I changed meds, went through a nightmare, and now I am off medication except to help me sleep (To be brought up to speed on said nightmare...click HERE).

My point is that I'd never been to a psychiatrist, had a psychiatric evaluation, or seen a therapist. I've only ever relied on doctor friends, and recently my primary care physician. I guess, in a way, I've been self diagnosing and my doctors have been inclined to agree with me. But when my waking nightmare occurred, all of this changed.

When I was in the midst of this enormous challenge a few weeks ago (it feels like a life time ago) I was desperate and called to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist and therapist (At this particular practice they require you meet with a therapist first then the therapist refers you to one of their psychiatrists). By the time they got back to me to set up a visit, I was feeling much better. My PCP had prescribed something that actually helped me sleep and I went off the medications that must not be named (unless you write to me and ask me about them:).

I'm ashamed to say I felt above going to a psychiatrist and/or therapist. I felt like I didn't need that. It some how felt too drastic. But, I immediately chastised myself. I said, "Self, there is nothing wrong with seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. In fact, it's smart and you're a big dumbie for not doing it sooner. Think about the nightmares you could have avoided if you would have spoken to psychiatric professionals sooner."


I'm a pretty good guilt tripper and made myself set up the appointments even though I felt awkward about it (Yeah, I know...I write a public blog about this stuff, but I felt awkward...whatever...).

Well people, I went for my visits and they have given me a lot to think about. I want to share my thoughts with you, but I think this post has gone on long enough. Stayed tuned until tomorrow to read all about my visit to...dun, dun, dun...The Shrink.

PARTAY!

SO, my sweet friend Diane asked me to host an online party for a company called Thirty One. I've never done anything like this before, but they have some really cute STORAGE options (I love feeling organized...though I really stink at it;).

So, if you want stylish, personalized organization for your home you can check out the party I'm hosting.
Go to www.mythirtyone.com/dianeboyce and you can browse through the new summer catalog. In the catalog you'll be able to click on any item to find out pricing information and different fabric patterns. If you see something you'd like to order you can go back to Diane's home page and click on "My Parties" and then next to my name {Jody Long} click "Shop Now". {That way as the hostess I get credit for anything you buy....and then I can earn discounts on stuff. Hello Mini Utility Bin... hee hee}

AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

A couple weeks ago, the Hubby took his last final, concluding his first year of medical school (Well, he technically has one more test on June 11th, but that's another story). Medical school is very (Is there a word for very times 1 million) intense so you can imagine how happy we felt when Hubs completed this nightmarish exam.

A year of parenting on my own, never seeing my husband, the Hubs shouldering the burden of medical school, and my horrid med/no sleep experience made us feel like we were walking trudging through each day with a ton of bricks upon our shoulders. But, when I was able to sleep again and the Hub's exam was complete, I felt that burden become light (I wouldn't be surprised if my posture has literally improved).

Baby boss mostly ate cookies the whole time. I guess
He was thankful for cookies:).

I felt so grateful that I wanted to express this gratitude in a tangible way. In the Mormon culture, we do what's called Family Home Evening. Once a week, usually Monday, a family gathers together for prayer, spiritual thoughts/lessons, treats, and an activity. The Hub's exam fell on a Monday, so we dedicated our F.H.E. to gratitude.

Each of us wrote on a balloon things we were grateful for and then let them float away. It was great to watch my kids think carefully about the things that mattered most to them.

Poor hubby hadn't even had time to shave for days. 

We talked about how important it is to be thankful for all we have and let our Heavenly Father know. Regardless of whether you're religious or not, it is nice to watch your expressions fly into the air...going somewhere...(Probably to a poor bird who will choke on the balloon...but I digress).

Anyway, I just wanted to post quickly about how thankful I am for so many things. There's nothing like coming out of a truly difficult time to make the world seem so great. If you are currently going through a rough time, hang on for dear life until a beautiful moment comes... I promise it will.

PS- Send me a picture of you and or you and your family doing gratitude balloons to jodylong82@gmail.com and I will post you on the blog! Can't wait to see your pics:).

TEMPER, TEMPER

Just a quick update on how things have been going with no medication....during the day that is. I still take a medication as needed at night to help me sleep (and thank goodness for it!).

Anyway, things are going so well! I remember a few years ago, when my hormones were all wacky after having two kids within two years and I started taking medication for the first time. I remember the exact moment that medication hit my system (I've mentioned this in previous posts). I was driving with my two babies in the back seat and was stopped at a traffic light. A fun song came on the radio and I smiled and sang. Then, tears spontaneously ran down my cheeks as I felt happiness. I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh! I feel happy! This feels so nice. When was the last time I felt this way?" 


I reiterate this story because I feel similarly now that I'm off medication. I feel clearer in my mind, remember more things, have more of a sense of humor, and just feel more like ME!

This may be confusing to some of you. You may be thinking, "Okay, so do you need meds or not?" Well, I guess sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. This whole journey has taught me that there is a time and a place for everything. When I started taking an antidepressant, I really needed it. It was a great blessing that got me through some really hard times and helped me be a better mother, wife, and human being.

My recent nightmarish experience lead me to go off medication and has shown me I'm currently in a place where I can cope without them. I exercise six days a week, eat healthy foods, and try to get as much sleep as possible.

In the above paragraph you'll notice I used the word "cope". That means I have to work hard to over come some struggles. Surprisingly, I haven't felt depression, I have felt some anxiety, and my temper has been crazy. I hate it! Truthfully, the temper is an old foe of mine. I didn't realize how much medication had tempered my temper (I know, I know...I'm punny). If you are in my family you may be are aware of my temper, but many people are shocked when I talk about it. They say, "Jody, I can't imagine you yelling. You are so sweet." And I am...sweet: (and humble...lol!). But, I'm also feisty as all get out!

As I've analyzed the times I've lost my temper, I see they parallel times of anxiety (Or as my husband would tell you, times I can't control everything:). I get anxious when I have to get my whole family ready and be somewhere on time and we are rushed (This equates yelling). I feel anxious when we have a big trip to go on, or my kids are all acting crazy at the same time. It's not a scared or nervous kind of anxiety...it's more of a pressure that builds inside me. When the above events, and countless others occur...I kind of...well...lose my cool.

I say thing like, "Your shoe is right there in front of your face! How can you not see it!" or "Do you not understand what the word HURRY means. You're going to miss the bus!" or "Every body just shut your mouths for a minute! You're driving me crazy!"

Sometimes, my temper can result in quite humorous conversations with the hubby. After over 11 years of marriage, he will still attempt to converse with me in the morning...right after I wake up. It is not humanly possible for me to do so. My brain wakes up very SLOWLY.

Just a couple of days ago, I was stumbling out of bed and the hubby cheerfully said to me, "I have something I want you to think about today. Think about if you knew what you knew now (referring to my recent struggles, etc.) when you were a teenager/younger." I slowly raised my head with a confused/ominous look and said, "What are you talking about? What point are you trying to make? I don't understand you right now!" He cheerfully replied, "No really, don't you think it would make a good book." He said other words that my brain interpreted as nonsense and then I growled said, "What the heck?! I've barely opened my eyes and you want me to do deep thinking. Seriously, just leave me alone right now! You know I'm not good in the morning!"

And maybe he should have known better, but he didn't deserve the grizzly response I gave him. Nor does he or the kids ever deserve to have my beastly temper unleashed on them. Boy oh boy do I spend a lot of time feeling guilty. I'm still feeling guilty long after they've forgotten about it.

So, right now I'm working hardest on keeping my temper in check and forgiving myself and moving on when I'm not able to. (Disclaimer: I'm NEVER violent. My kiddos have never even been spanked, and honestly, most days, I don't lose my temper, but when I do...it seems to be a theme for the whole day).

To close this update of mine, I'd add that if baby boss were still a little baby, I don't think I'd be able to do it. I would still need medication to help me cope and that is totally fine! That's what they are there for (except for the medicaton which must not be named...shudder). In fact, I vary well may need to go back on meds in the future. And if I do, you better believe I've got a plan of action. I never want to go through what I did two weeks ago.

I hope you all are coping well with the struggles life throws your way and forgiving yourself and moving on when you don't deal well. Two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward.

All my love!