Sunday, January 16, 2011

Wow, I came across these poems that I wrote a couple of years ago when I was really struggling with my depression. I totally forgot about them. As I reread them today it brought tears to my eyes and burning in my heart. The first one is about me pleading for God's comfort. I remember writing the second one when my daughter was getting old enough to understand that I was sad. That scared me...that still scares me. I don't want depression to define me and be all that my children remember of me.
These poems are very personal. I hope that they help you in some way.
Poem #1
May 21, 2008
Why do you leave me alone?
Study, meditate, pray…
I still can’t feel you.
Is it me?
Am I broken and incapable?
Cry, plead, sleep…
I still can’t feel you.
What am I doing wrong?
I’m staring at the wall.
It seems all that I can do right.
I need you.
Where are you?
What are you trying to teach me?
I can’t understand why it would be bad to comfort me.
I feel no comfort.
I’ve felt you in my heart before.
It makes it even harder, because I know you can help me.
Why don’t you…won’t you please?
I need thee every hour…
I continue to need.
Poem #2
Beautiful curls, beautiful eyes.
They move me to tears.
Why can’t they move me to play?
Your little embrace is powerful.
Why can’t it grant me power to smile?
I see the concern as you furrow your small brow.
I don’t want you to hurt.
I want to be strong for you, your mentor, your hero.
Please don’t remember me this way.
Maybe you’ll forget and I’ll get better.
I fear that you won’t…that I won’t…
“Why do you cry Mommy?”
“Because, I’m so happy…they’re tears of joy!”
I hope that you believe me.

Poem #3
I’m checking out at the store.
I stand outside myself.
I watch me through the eyes of the cashier.
Really, is that how you see me?
My hair looks good.
I could lose a little weight, but I’m kind of pretty.
I’m going to a party.
I think I’ll sit a while and watch myself.
I’m smiling so big.
I just told a good joke and complimented a friend on her hair.
I think I made her feel good.
Funny and nice…could be worse.
I’m home now.
I watch myself.
Off comes the make-up, on goes the pjs.
Off comes the smile.
I hear the front door open.
It’s him. He sees me and smiles.
I step outside myself and into him.
I look at myself.
I’m so smart and pretty.
Could I get any sexier?
Why aren’t I smiling?
I wish I could see me like they do.
I wish what they saw were true…
Maybe it is true.
That gives me hope
They give me hope.
Poem #4
Let the sun shine on your face
Let the wind caress you skin.
It feels good.
The music touches my heart.
It gets into my soul when nothing else can.
Write it down
My feelings are flowing.
The paper is my dearest friend.
Sun, music, paper…peace, if only for a moment.
Hurry! Concentrate before the clouds come.



  1. Wow Babe! These are very emotional. Maybe it is because I am so close to them. Maybe because it pangs me to get a glimpse of how you view yourself. Either way, very good. Love you!

  2. This is good, Jo. It's hard to read it, since I'm the mom, the one who's supposed to fix things, but can't always. I remember the first time you told me you were fighting depression, when you were a freshman in college. I know you will help others with your blog. People don't always want to have "answers"....just someone who gets it. Love you so much!

  3. Jody, Thanks for sharing. As I read i cried. I admire you, you are strong and beautiful.

  4. Thank you Mom,Mark, and Diana. I love you.


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