I HAVE A DREAM...

Friday, February 25, 2011

Very early this morning, sleep deprivation pushed me over that delicate thresh hold. The line between coping okay and being overwhelmed. When that line is crossed it's as if literal switches in my brain are turned on and off. Calm switch-off; Coping, sleeping, patience switches-off, off, off; On go the tears, racing thoughts, and rapid heart beat switches. It really happens that fast.

My brain gets to a point where my neurotransmitters no longer function correctly. Neurotransmitters are special chemicals that carry out many very important functions. Essentially, they help transfer messages throughout structures of the brain's nerve cells. This morning my neurotransmitters short circuited. They couldn't take it anymore and they failed me, switching on the wrong switches and off the ones I needed.


As my husband got ready for work I got tears in my eyes and said, "I'm about to beg you to stay home from work. That's how bad I feel." That wasn't fair of me to say knowing he can't miss work. So, I quickly said, "I know you can't. I'll be fine." He said, "What can I do?" "Nothing," I sighed, "There's nothing anyone can do." 
He proceeded to list suggestions. "Ask so and so to watch the baby for a while." With everyone he suggested there was a potential problem. But, the biggest problem was that, even with the baby gone, my neurotransmitters would remain malfunctioned. My sweet hubby wanted to fix everything, but he couldn't and off he went. 


I got the kids ready for school to the melodious sound of baby boss crying. We trudged through the snow dumped on us last night (and that was still accumulating) to the heatless Suburban. After I loaded the kids in I proceeded to clean the powder off our giant vehicle that the Hubby had already cleaned off once (Why does it always snow on neurotransmitter malfunction days? And why is the Burb so dang ginormous? I seriously wanted to blow it up!). 


After dropping the kiddos off at school, I felt a teeny bit better. My N-transmitters felt a little less confused. Now that I've been up for a few hours, I'm coping okay. Right now there's nothing anyone can do so I just have to dream that today is better than it is.


I have a dream...


That today, a kind, unburdened, trustworthy, germ free person comes and takes my baby all day so I can rest.


I have a dream...


That after a good rest I can take as long as I want in the shower and go pay someone to do my hair and make-up.


I have a dream...


That I win a free massage, manicure, and pedicure and they are the best I've every had.


I have a dream...


That I can then go shopping and buy whatever I want and take as long as I want...guilt free.


I have a dream...


That I can have all of my sisters and my mom here for a long lunch and that the calories won't matter.


I have a dream...


That I can work out without a kid asking me "Mom, what if our whole family was cross-eyed? (True story. That happened yesterday.)"


I have a dream...The biggest dream of all...


That my dang neurotransmitters would get their acts together!


Most days, my dream is for world peace, no starving children, and equality for all humanity. But, today, the above mentioned are my selfish dreams.


Realistically, I will do my best to be kind and patient to my kids and the Hubby, because that's what they deserve. And I will try to do my workout despite my body crying, "No, don't do it!" That's it. That's what I'm shooting for today. Baby steps...

Dream on friends.


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2 comments:

  1. I love you Babe. It will get better. And your dreams will be grandiose once more. Hang in there, we can do it together.

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  2. i'm sorry you had a bad day Jody. I love how you wrote about it though. you have a talented way of writing. thanks for sharing your thoughts, and hang in there! I usually "trustyworthy and germ free!" I should come help out with baby for a while. I start work at Telos this week for the spring but i don't work Mondays. let me know if i can ever be that person for you on failing "N-transmitter" days...

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