Saturday, April 9, 2011

If someone had filmed my little family this morning this is what they would have captured.

A father is sitting in a rocking chair amidst a mess of pillows, laundry, diapers (dirty and clean), feeding a chubby baby boy. 

A young boy and girl cup their faces in their hands as they lie on their stomachs on the floor staring at Saturday morning cartoons. 

A disheveled mother with lopsided hair and yesterday's mascara under her eyes, emerges from the bedroom after getting some much needed extra sleep. 

The kids and husband cheerfully greet her as the the baby coos in delight. The kids are met with a grumpy reply of, "Hurry! You need to get ready for your friends baptism! You are going to be late!" The kids give half an effort to finding the right clothes which evokes more harping from the mom. "I told you to hurry! You never listen to me! Don't you know what hurry means?!" the mom yells. 

The little boy starts crying and the girl goes into her room to lie on the floor and pout. After the mother throws clothes on the kids, the father takes them to the baptism and the young mother is left in the messy house, with the baby, and a guilty look on her face. 

Yup, that's what my morning was like. Even though I got enough sleep I woke up feeling extremely irritable, which led to yelling, which led to me feeling guilty, which led to me feeling like a bad mom/wife, which led to me having to work really hard at getting out of a super bad mood.

While the hubby, Sassafras, and the Commander were gone, I thought about why I was feeling so irritable. The conclusion I came to was that my anxiety is high due to the hubby leaving tomorrow. He will be gone for a few days leaving me to deal with all three kids by myself. I'm not scared of this, but my body is anxious anyway.

So, when this anxiety kicks in, it puts me on edge and every little thing annoys the heck out of me. The frustration leads to little fits of anger and then I feel really bad for how it affects the ones I love. Not only do I feel bad, but I feel more anger that I have to deal with anxiety and depression to begin with. I call this the anxiety, anger, depression cycle. A cyclical pattern of these three things. One feeding into the next.

Years ago, this cycle was very difficult for me to break. Sometimes it would take me a couple of days to be cheerful again. Now I know to interrupt it immediately. The most affective interruption for me is to say a prayer, calm down, and one by one give a heart felt apology to my kids and hubby.

I make sure to explain to them that it's never okay to yell and that they didn't do anything wrong. I ask them if they want to express to me how they feel and then we hug it out:). I am unable to forgive myself and move on until I've done this.

It's difficult to feel like a monster when I simultaneously feel like it's not my fault. Despite the fact that I have these imbalances in my body to deal with, I am still supposed to be patient, loving, and kind. It's like acting completely opposite to how you feel. I continually practice this. Practice makes perfect...well, practice makes improvement.

We ended up taking the kids to Chuck E. Cheese's for the Commander's birthday and I just got done making lemon cake and home made frosting. This day may be salvaged yet.

Here's to each of us trying to be better each day and learning to forgive ourselves.


  1. Hi Jody, I awarded you the One Lovely Blog Award :) Come over to my blog to get it. {Hugs}

  2. Jody, I feel like you are writing about my life. Thank you for sharing!


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