A PAINFUL SMILE

Friday, April 22, 2011

A couple of days ago, I had half a day's worth of hard. I say half because, the day started out on a good note. I felt productive, energetic, and positive. I stayed home and got some things done around the house. This productivity was way over due and I found myself so happy to have regained long lost motivation.


I found joy in tossing my baby around in the air, folding pile after pile of laundry, and paying bills. Joy? Really? Yes. The past week I had struggled to get anything done and simply accomplishing these little tasks made me happy.


But, then the tide turned and things got ugly. I remember exactly when I started feeling different. I had just picked up Sassafras from school and I also had baby boss and the Commander in the car. We drove to a near by grocery store to pick up some necessities.


As soon as I stepped out of the Burb, my knees felt noticeably more achy, my back hurt, and I was really fatigued (None of which I had felt all day.). Just lifting my beast of a baby out of my honkin' big car felt unbearable. The bickering of the Commander and Sassafras over what movie to get from the Red Box grated on my nerves.


We slowly walked through the store's automatic doors to the Red Box where the bickering continued and I snapped at them. "Stop fighting or you're not getting a movie at all!" I turned to see an older lady staring at me. "Oh great. Now I'm the white trash momma yelling at her kids in the store. Mental sarcastic high five to self."


"He always gets to watch what he wants to watch," whined Sassafras as she pointed at Commander. "Okay, I will give you two choices and you have to peacefully decide together which one to get." Maybe on another day that would have worked, but it wasn't in the cards at that time.


What ended up happening is me shoving the Commander's hands away from the touch screen as he tried to rent what he wanted (little stinker) and I picked the movie. This ended up quite fair. No one was happy. See, even Steven.


I snapped at my kids a few more times throughout this pleasant shopping experience and we eventually made it home. As we drove, I thought about why I was feeling so irritable, achy, and overwhelmed.


When we got home I got even worse. Depression kicked in and I just sat holding my smiling baby in my lap, waiting for the hubby to get home (Thankfully, my other kids were playing outside.).


Baby boss looked at me and pressed his chubby little hands to my mouth (He loves when I kiss his hands.). He smiled, cooed, and bounced trying to get be to play with him. But, I couldn't. It was emotionally painful to smile. I couldn't muster up the strength to talk or play with my sweet little guy.


To make matters worse, Sassafras came bursting in yelling, "Mommy, Campbell just pulled down his pants in the front yard and peed on the tree. And he got pee all over his pants!" "Great!" I thought.


The Commander walked slowly into the house with a wet spot down his front and looked sheepishly up at me. "I'm sorry mommy. It was an accident." "Get in the bath," I said quietly. I felt pushed right to the edge of my patience.


As my son took his clothes off, I went to prepare the bath. I pushed the shower curtain aside and the curtain rod came crashing down on my head. I sat on the edge of the bath and cried. The Commander climbed in and again said, "I'm sorry." I told him I wasn't mad at him.


I felt like I needed to run and run and run and not stop. I felt trapped by my feelings of frustration.


The hubby came home and I told him something was wrong and that I felt really bad. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why my mood had changed so quickly. It was that time of the month, but this was more than that. "I feel like I used to," I said to the hubby. "I feel like years ago when I was really struggling."


He took over the kids and encouraged me to lay down. I tried for an hour to sleep, but couldn't. So, I drove around town for a bit. I stopped at a local bakery for some nice warm soup and home made bread. It's pretty amazing what baked goods can do for one's soul.


Anyway, I eventually returned home stable and able to snuggle my kids and put them to bed. The next morning, Thursday, when I woke up to take my medication, I noticed the Wednesday slot was untouched. I slapped my hand to my forehead and thought, "Duh! That's why I was so off yesterday!"


This realization was good and bad. Good-My medication still helps me. Bad- The reminder that I still need it. But, I know I'm lucky. I have actually found a medication that really helps me. So many people struggle with things that no amount of medication will fix. I feel lucky to have countless blessings in my life.


Not to mention that, in hind sight, my bad day was pretty dang funny. White trash momma, with an indecent exposure son peeing on himself, and a shower curtain rod falling on my head. Now that's funny.


I hope today you can smile as you endure life's challenges and, if you can't, just wait a couple of days and you'll be smiling again.
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1 comment:

  1. Do you think your next rental person should know that his new tenants might have indecent exposure issues?

    ReplyDelete

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