Wednesday, May 11, 2011

My chest is tight, my thoughts are racing, my body's exhausted, and the hours are ticking slowly by. Today is a tough one and I really, really, don't want to blog right now. I don't want to do anything.

I sit here at the computer with a warm blanket wrapped around me in hopes that, in addition to warming my arms, it's comfort will seep deep down under my skin to a spot I can't seem to reach...or fix.

I know that every horrible feeling I currently have is being exaggerated by complete weariness. Last night the baby boss woke up countless times due to...well, who knows. Teething? Gas? A demon possessing his chubby little body (that's a joke people...or at least a tired attempt at one...)? Regardless, he kept me awake all through the night and won't take a decent nap today either.

Today's difficulties are compounded by the fact that yesterday was no walk in the park. My kids turned up their volume levels to high all day and decided to cause mischief at every turn. By supper time I'd had it and zero energy remained to make dinner.

Sassafras and the Commander wanted to eat outside so I threw some crackers, cheese, meat, and apples on plates and shooed them out the door. Five seconds later, the Commander had turned his plate upside down on the pavement (on accident). The seemingly small task of remaking a plate for him frustrated me to no end.

I went out, cleaned up the mess, came inside, held my hands in the air, and shouted at the ceiling, "I'M SO SICK OF KIDS!!!" My husband said, "Me too." I looked at him and said half jokingly, "This is about me right now!" Frankly, my reserve of compassion was all dried up and I didn't have energy left to take on someone else's needs.

In addition to all of the above, my ear and throat started hurting yesterday. I was extra tired and had chills. I knew I was starting to get sick. So, I went to bed with a half dose of NyQuil and thus began the living nightmare I endured. I didn't have the energy, mentally or physically, to spare to a night like that. So, like many other times, it was taken from somewhere inside me leaving me broken.

You know what I've been thinking about today? Do you remember going to the pool when you were little? Before you worried about what your body looked like in a swimsuit, when you were innocent and just there for fun in the sun. I used to jump in the pool, find my own little spot in the water, pull my knees up to my chin and sink underneath the surface. I would roll around weightlessly and just relax. I didn't have a care in the world. I want to feel that way again. Even just for a little while.

But I don't feel that way so, I'm just waiting. Waiting to see what will happen. Will I have a mini break down? Will I just be able to ride this out without yelling at everyone? At times like this I just try to be still, silent...I try to just be.

I accept that today I will not clean anything, the kids will get quick junk food meals, I may not get a shower or brush my hair, and there's no way I will get a work out in. All of this bothers me, but I can deal with it.

What's hard for me is not having energy left over for my husband and kids. I can just do my best to make sure they don't suffer along side me. If I can do that, I can find a little peace...hopefully.

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