Friday, November 4, 2011

Since having baby boss, I feel like a puppy chasing it's tail. Running around and around like crazy, but feeling unaccomplished at days end. Granted, this is a generalization and I know that I technically accomplish a lot. But, sheesh, you wouldn't know it by my messy house, mountain of laundry, and disheveled appearance.

This past week, I've been chasing my tail (No, not chasing tail...get your mind out of the gutter!:) at a dizzying speed. Baby boss has been very sick, creating many sleepless nights and exhausting days of holding a screaming 23 pound baby. The house is more disgusting than ever and there is no clean laundry to be found.

You think I'm exaggerating, well, I'm not. My exact words to my kids this morning as I rushed to get them ready for school were, "Both of you, go downstairs and look through the dirty laundry for a pair of pants that isn't too dirty." I then proceeded to iron the pants so they would be disguised as cleanish. Later, after washing my hands with a fussy babe in one arm, I dried my hands with toilet paper (There were no clean hand towels to be found). I shook my head in dismay as I picked the white remnants off my still damp hands.

After the above experience, I placed baby boss on the ground to fuss, and plopped down on the couch in dispair. I then said aloud, "Fine! Whatever! Just forget it all! Why do I even try?!!!!!!!!" Of course, there was no one there to hear me except baby boss, who didn't like the tone of my voice and wailed even louder. I picked him up, wanting to wail right along with him, but I was too tired.

I walked (okay, stomped) around the living room, shushing him and patting his back. All along thinking, "I wonder what exact percentage of my life is spent in this frustrating haze of weariness." I don't know the answer, no one but God does, but I would guess it is a pretty large amount of time. My next chain of thoughts were along the lines of, "So, what's the point? Is this how life should be?" 

Honestly, I've never ever wondered the answer to that question. Even on the worst of days, I know...Of course this is how life should be! God is not in pursuit of only my happiness, he's in pursuit of my character. He's testing and trying me because he loves me and wants me to learn patience, kindness, and selflessness.

Last night my prayer was a little different. Instead of pleading for a good nights sleep, I prayed that I would have the strength to deal with whatever was to come. You know what? Baby boss was still up all night and it was still difficult, but I felt strength added to mine.

Today, I'm thankful that no matter how hard it gets, I know I'm exactly where I should and want to be. As a mother, I go through some difficult things, things I would never put myself through (And thus never become the person I need to be), but I have the greatest of privileges.

Yesterday, the Commander scribbled furiously in his "private notebook." He then asked for an envelope. I said, "Sure buddy, but what have you got there?" "Pictures and notes I drew for Nicole. I've been working really hard on them," was his reply. Sassafras shouts from the next room, "NICOLE IS HIS CRUSH! HE LOOOOVES HER!" "No I don't, we're just friends," he says confidently.

His pictures of dogs, cats, and  monsters are so cute that I can't help but smile. I say a silent prayer that Nicole (spelled "Nickol":) will accept them graciously. I'm sure she has no idea how lucky she is to be at the receiving end of such a sweet boy's affections. But, I know how privileged I am to be his mother and to have countless drawings done at his hand.

Two days ago, as I drove my beautiful daughter home from dance, she looked out the window and said, "I can see a nose on the moon tonight, but I can't tell if it's waxing or waning (Her statement simultaneously displaying her childlike nature and maturity)." This morning, Sassafras again made me smile by asking, "Do you think Santa Claus watches church on TV?" I laughed aloud (picturing Santa watching a televangelist) and said, "Maybe, why don't you write him a letter and ask him." Yup, I'm privileged to her sweet remarks every day.

In the time it's taken me to write this post, baby boss has unrolled the toilet paper, spilled some water, drawn with a crayon on the floor, and tried to climb the stairs...twice (up went the gate). I guess that means he's finally starting to feel better. As hard as his sickness has been on everyone, I've been privileged to nurse him through it.

You'd think someone as privileged as I am could get a nap and a maid to clean up this joint. Sigh...


  1. I stumbled upon your blog and was shocked. Shocked because I can totally relate!! I suffer from anxiety- it is difficult- and misunderstood. I sometimes write about my anxiety on my blog- it's hard to open up about it, it makes me feel vulnerable. Nice to "meet" you :)

  2. Hey Jody, I like the way you write about depression and how you approach the issue. That´s why I voted you second best anti depression blog available online. My post will be published in a couple of days here:

  3. Hey girl... I have to say, my life is not much different. It has taken me 6 months to accept the fact that 3 kids was a little more than I bargained for. And that my life is forever changed, in an irreversible way. As I come back to blogging and begin to accept this new life, you will see a whole lot of new feelings, emotions, and moments of despair. So hopefully I will find comfort through your life experiences. And learn how to deal with this anxiety I have been feeling lately.


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