Monday, February 27, 2012

I used to be a big time crier. If I was upset or overwhelmed or even over joyed...I would cry. But after years of challenges, I've gotten good at not crying. I'm not a robot. My eyes still well up with tears when I watch a touching movie, feel sadness for someone else, or I laugh really hard. But, it's rare now that I all out ball like a baby.

I didn't practice not crying or try really hard to hold it in...It just gradually happened. I guess I'd cried so many tears, it just became more of a hassle than a help (runny noses, swollen eyes, and headaches...), so I subconsciously did it less and less. When you have depression, you can potentially cry quite often, but it got old...for me anyway (I know lots of people find it very therapeutic).

Well, today I've cried a lot. I'm not sure why. It's been a fed up kind of cry. An angry, frustrated, shake my head in dismay kind of cry. To be honest, the tears took me by surprise. I'd posted on Facebook that, "I was in need of a good pep talk," and a friend called after reading my status. Before I knew it, I was trying to choke back tears as I talked to her.

I told her my frustrations with working out so hard and eating so well and not getting the results I wanted. Working extra hard for minimal results seems to be a family theme at the moment. My hubby studies non stop and has recently gotten some disappointing test scores (med school is no joke people!). The fruit of ones labors should be a direct result of effort, right? Well, life hasn't been that way lately and I think it's been taking its toll on me more than I realized. Thus, the tears. And once they started, I had a hard time turning them off.

Later in the day I looked at sweet chubby baby boss with his new hair cut (that makes him look sooo much older) and thought about how he is probably my last baby. More tears...

I read kind words from family and friends...more tears.

My kids came home from school and Sassafras asked me why I looked tired and sad... The tears welled up as I said, "Everything is fine. Mommy's just having a hard day."

The hubby came home from school and tried to comfort me by saying everything would be fine. It was then it hit me...I was afraid everything wasn't going to be fine...or worse...would never be better than fine. I don't work so hard so that my life can be so-so. I know life is hard, but I'd like to have some really good days too.

While the hubby greeted the kids, I snuck upstairs to the kid's room, sat on the Commander's bed, knelt down and cried in prayer. I cried because I never get to see my husband, cried because being a mom is hard (no, duh!), cried because my hubby has to work from dawn to dusk, cried because I didn't feel strong enough, and cried, well, just because I could. I didn't emerge feeling super duper, but I felt better just letting it all go. When I stood from my knees I knew I had to stop fearing and start doing and trusting again. Sometimes you just have to pull yourself up by the boot straps, do all that you can, and know that your best is enough.

So, no more tears for fears. I'll do my best to wake up tomorrow, stand a little taller, and be a little better. And if that doesn't work...I'll try again.

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