Sunday, April 29, 2012

Sometimes I wake up and things are different. For good or for bad, the day takes on a theme and mood of it's own. The schedule and circumstances of the previous day could be exactly the same as the present day, but have completely different outcomes. Well, today was in control of me more than I was in control of it. It seemed to have a strong theme...a difficult theme prepared for me.

The best way to describe how I felt today was that someone had taken my skin and peeled it back to expose all my nerves. All sounds seemed like nails on a chalk board and every request by my children seemed like a monumental task. Even after a nap today, I felt as if my legs were filled with lead.

There are any number of cliches I could quote such as "Seize the Day" or "Make lemons out of lemonade" that some might spout to me. But, I promise you...there was none of this day I could seize or change. It was beyond my control.

When Baby boss started whining and didn't stop ALL DAY LONG my nerves felt positively naked. When the Commander kicked a ball in the house and knocked over a full glass of water, I was completely calm, but screaming inside. Sassafras turned 8 today and it took all my remaining strength to put together her special birthday dinner. It was a slow, painful day. But why?

I got enough sleep and even took a nap, but raw nerves and a constant sense of being overwhelmed followed me. The truth is, the chemicals in my body combined to create a perfect cocktail of challenge. I'm not sure why it happens to me, but it does. I just did my best to do what I had to do and I survived. I sit here typing this post with all kids in bed and the hubby studying in his cave.

Will I feel this way again tomorrow? Maybe. And maybe I won't be able to change a whole lot of what is given to me, but I do know one thing. Life isn't meant to be perfect happiness all the time. It's full of an array of challenges, different to each of us. Challenges that help us develop patience, empathy, compassion, endurance, and a great appreciation for the smallest of blessings. I've seen this day many times before, which tells me that I will survive to see better days.


  1. I just found your blog, and it always makes me feel so happy when I read someone else's experience and feel like they crawled inside my brain...or I guess more appropriately for this post, my skin. So many many days I don't feel like my Depression is necessarily squaring off against my some days it's more like My Depresssion vs. My Patience. And my patience rarely wins...

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. Those of us with depression or any common challenge love talking with someone else who understands, because there are so many who don't...understand:). And don't even get me started on the topic of! by the way...what is patience?

  2. When we feel sad or gloomy then we may believe that we in depression. Depression affects your mind and body and every. It is too dangerous for human. Your log is superb and i am very happy after see this blog.


    1. So true! It can definitely have physical affects. Thanks you for commenting:).

  3. Just found your blog, while debating to post or not about the depression I've been dealing with. I'm not sure I want to let the world in yet, but reading your words today... made me feel a bit better.

    I think having depression and being a mother at the same time is so hard, I constantly feel guilty that I'm not enjoying my son more.. I know one day this fog will be lifted, but in the meantime, I am going through the motions, and somedays I find myself (like you said) screaming on the inside, keeping it together on the outside for my family.

  4. Olivia, Thanks for your comment. You are definitely not alone. Life with depression is a crazy rollercoaster ride:). Don't ever lose hope. xoxo


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