TEMPER, TEMPER

Monday, May 21, 2012

Just a quick update on how things have been going with no medication....during the day that is. I still take a medication as needed at night to help me sleep (and thank goodness for it!).

Anyway, things are going so well! I remember a few years ago, when my hormones were all wacky after having two kids within two years and I started taking medication for the first time. I remember the exact moment that medication hit my system (I've mentioned this in previous posts). I was driving with my two babies in the back seat and was stopped at a traffic light. A fun song came on the radio and I smiled and sang. Then, tears spontaneously ran down my cheeks as I felt happiness. I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh! I feel happy! This feels so nice. When was the last time I felt this way?" 


I reiterate this story because I feel similarly now that I'm off medication. I feel clearer in my mind, remember more things, have more of a sense of humor, and just feel more like ME!

This may be confusing to some of you. You may be thinking, "Okay, so do you need meds or not?" Well, I guess sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. This whole journey has taught me that there is a time and a place for everything. When I started taking an antidepressant, I really needed it. It was a great blessing that got me through some really hard times and helped me be a better mother, wife, and human being.

My recent nightmarish experience lead me to go off medication and has shown me I'm currently in a place where I can cope without them. I exercise six days a week, eat healthy foods, and try to get as much sleep as possible.

In the above paragraph you'll notice I used the word "cope". That means I have to work hard to over come some struggles. Surprisingly, I haven't felt depression, I have felt some anxiety, and my temper has been crazy. I hate it! Truthfully, the temper is an old foe of mine. I didn't realize how much medication had tempered my temper (I know, I know...I'm punny). If you are in my family you may be are aware of my temper, but many people are shocked when I talk about it. They say, "Jody, I can't imagine you yelling. You are so sweet." And I am...sweet: (and humble...lol!). But, I'm also feisty as all get out!

As I've analyzed the times I've lost my temper, I see they parallel times of anxiety (Or as my husband would tell you, times I can't control everything:). I get anxious when I have to get my whole family ready and be somewhere on time and we are rushed (This equates yelling). I feel anxious when we have a big trip to go on, or my kids are all acting crazy at the same time. It's not a scared or nervous kind of anxiety...it's more of a pressure that builds inside me. When the above events, and countless others occur...I kind of...well...lose my cool.

I say thing like, "Your shoe is right there in front of your face! How can you not see it!" or "Do you not understand what the word HURRY means. You're going to miss the bus!" or "Every body just shut your mouths for a minute! You're driving me crazy!"

Sometimes, my temper can result in quite humorous conversations with the hubby. After over 11 years of marriage, he will still attempt to converse with me in the morning...right after I wake up. It is not humanly possible for me to do so. My brain wakes up very SLOWLY.

Just a couple of days ago, I was stumbling out of bed and the hubby cheerfully said to me, "I have something I want you to think about today. Think about if you knew what you knew now (referring to my recent struggles, etc.) when you were a teenager/younger." I slowly raised my head with a confused/ominous look and said, "What are you talking about? What point are you trying to make? I don't understand you right now!" He cheerfully replied, "No really, don't you think it would make a good book." He said other words that my brain interpreted as nonsense and then I growled said, "What the heck?! I've barely opened my eyes and you want me to do deep thinking. Seriously, just leave me alone right now! You know I'm not good in the morning!"

And maybe he should have known better, but he didn't deserve the grizzly response I gave him. Nor does he or the kids ever deserve to have my beastly temper unleashed on them. Boy oh boy do I spend a lot of time feeling guilty. I'm still feeling guilty long after they've forgotten about it.

So, right now I'm working hardest on keeping my temper in check and forgiving myself and moving on when I'm not able to. (Disclaimer: I'm NEVER violent. My kiddos have never even been spanked, and honestly, most days, I don't lose my temper, but when I do...it seems to be a theme for the whole day).

To close this update of mine, I'd add that if baby boss were still a little baby, I don't think I'd be able to do it. I would still need medication to help me cope and that is totally fine! That's what they are there for (except for the medicaton which must not be named...shudder). In fact, I vary well may need to go back on meds in the future. And if I do, you better believe I've got a plan of action. I never want to go through what I did two weeks ago.

I hope you all are coping well with the struggles life throws your way and forgiving yourself and moving on when you don't deal well. Two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward.

All my love!



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7 comments:

  1. Once again, I feel like you're me. Temper is so hard. I've actually had to make the conscious effort some days to wipe the scowl off my face so I don't get wrinkles. lol. Being late is the worst, too. I'm glad going off meds is working so well for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. We are all going through the same struggles aren't we? Just trying to appear perfect, but life is messy. lol!

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