I know I said I would write "THE SHRINK PART II" yesterday, but I'm procrastinating.
Writing this blog is usually a good thing, but sometimes I have days when I don't want to talk about myself anymore. I want to anonymously go about my business without everyone knowing my business (I know, I know...I wasn't exactly held at gun point being made to start this blog). Not because I'm ashamed, but because writing about it makes me think long and hard about my "issues". It makes me confront difficult things and analyze myself. Honestly, it's exhausting.
The other day we were talking about prayer with our kids and how you can pray for other people. Sassafras said, "Sometimes I pray for mommy because of her sickness." My heart skipped a beat and I calmly asked, "What do you mean? What kind of sickness does mommy have?" "You know...your sleep problems and how you are sometimes sad," she stated matter-of-factly. Tears welled up in my eyes but she couldn't tell. I smiled and said, "Thank you. That is a very kind thing to do."
That was that as far as she was concerned. But, inside I was angry. Not with her but, angry that I haven't hidden everything better from her. Angry that at the age of 8 she had seen pain in my face. Angry that I have to deal with whatever it is that I have.
I told the hubby I wished she didn't know as much as she did. He asked me why. I told him I didn't want my kids to have childhood memories of "my sickness" or be affected negatively by it or tell their friends about it. The hubby laughed and said, "Our kids have countless happy memories, pain encourages compassion, and you tell everyone everything anyway. You write a blog about it!"
Okay, so he had a point. I do write a blog for goodness sakes. My struggles, and joys for that matter, are no secret. But, I admit, sometimes I wish they were.
When I start to feel this way I ask myself why it is I write this blog. A blog that can, at times, overshadow the many other positive traits that make me me. And every time I do, the same phrase comes to mind, "Do what's right even when it's hard."
I guess I feel angry and sometimes a bit ashamed of my struggles, but I know it's wrong to feel that way so I write a blog to fight the misconceptions, not just held by other people, but myself.
Very Soon I will write part II of THE SHRINK. But, for today friends, I'm going to keep a few things to myself.