PROCRASTINATING PART II

Thursday, June 7, 2012

I know I said I would write "THE SHRINK PART II" yesterday, but I'm procrastinating.

Writing this blog is usually a good thing, but sometimes I have days when I don't want to talk about myself anymore. I want to anonymously go about my business without everyone knowing my business (I know, I know...I wasn't exactly held at gun point being made to start this blog). Not because I'm ashamed, but because writing about it makes me think long and hard about my "issues". It makes me confront difficult things and analyze myself. Honestly, it's exhausting.

The other day we were talking about prayer with our kids and how you can pray for other people. Sassafras said, "Sometimes I pray for mommy because of her sickness." My heart skipped a beat and I calmly asked, "What do you mean? What kind of sickness does mommy have?" "You know...your sleep problems and how you are sometimes sad," she stated matter-of-factly. Tears welled up in my eyes but she couldn't tell. I smiled and said, "Thank you. That is a very kind thing to do."

That was that as far as she was concerned. But, inside I was angry. Not with her but, angry that I haven't hidden everything better from her. Angry that at the age of 8 she had seen pain in my face. Angry that I have to deal with whatever it is that I have.

I told the hubby I wished she didn't know as much as she did. He asked me why. I told him I didn't want my kids to have childhood memories of "my sickness" or be affected negatively by it or tell their friends about it. The hubby laughed and said, "Our kids have countless happy memories, pain encourages compassion, and you tell everyone everything anyway. You write a blog about it!"

Okay, so he had a point. I do write a blog for goodness sakes. My struggles, and joys for that matter, are no secret. But, I admit, sometimes I wish they were.

When I start to feel this way I ask myself why it is I write this blog. A blog that can, at times, overshadow the many other positive traits that make me me. And every time I do, the same phrase comes to mind, "Do what's right even when it's hard."

I guess I feel angry and sometimes a bit ashamed of my struggles, but I know it's wrong to feel that way so I write a blog to fight the misconceptions, not just held by other people, but myself.

Very Soon I will write part II of THE SHRINK. But, for today friends, I'm going to keep a few things to myself.
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8 comments:

  1. I can really relate to what you said in the first few paragraphs, about how tiring it can be to focus on yourself and your issues and then put it on display in a blog for others to read.

    Well, maybe you didn't include the part about others, but that is how I am feeling right now.

    I am a new reader, but I wish the best for you.

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    1. Thanks so much Kelly! I really appreciate your comment. I hope, if nothing else, to be relateable! :).

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  2. Honey,
    It is not procrastination.
    It is okay to keep thinks to yourself.

    It is called...taking care of JODY!! And sometimes, as I blog I forget that.

    It is hard to focus on this stuff.
    I struggle with the same aspect. I don't want my kids to know about "this" stuff.
    I am somewhat of a new reader on your blog. And don't know your history. WHat I will says is this...."We have the tools that our parents didn't. When my mom was depressed and hopeless I thought it was because of "me" and internalized her and my grandma's issues as "me" being at fault. We can teach our children that this illness...it's okay. It sucks big giant donkey balls....but while it may suck....we can talk about it. We can stop the stignma. And d*mnit..if I teach my children anything on this side of heaven it will be....that it is okay!!

    Keep these things to yourself. And more important...take care of you!!!

    ((((HUGS)))

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    1. I know I emailed you back already, but I wanted to comment publicly that I echo your words! And your comment still makes me laugh:).

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    2. Didn't get an email from you. Unless I've totally lost it the last little bit. Which is possible.

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  3. I can totally understand. I blog about depression as well but sometimes it is depressing writing about depression all the time. So I am taking a break and writing about some less serious things, whimsical things, happy memories etc. Maybe you need a whimsy break too!

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    1. Wendy, you're so right! We have to mix it up a bit don't we? After all, our lives are made up of so much variety...Thanks for the comment!

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  4. I'm 25, and trying to deal with my depression which is quite crippling. I am getting medicated and working with a therapist, but I also discovered something else that helps me personally. Check it out at my new blog.

    http://horrormoviemedication.blogspot.com/2013/02/why-horror-helps.html

    keep up the good fight.

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