At any given time, I could sit and write a blog post (That is if that time wasn't already taken up with a million other things). An event will take place, inspiration will strike, or a melt down will occur and I will think, "I need to blog about that." Sometimes I have so many thoughts in my head at once that I avoid writing a post all together. Just this morning I started a post and now it's 6 p.m. and I've deleted that one and started this one. That's how quickly my mind races from thought to thought, idea to idea. Somewhere between this morning and now, the first post became all wrong....not good enough. I'm kind of an all or nothing person.
My house is either really clean or a complete disaster; I'm either full on make-up/hair done mode or a homeless person look-a-like; I eat uber healthy and exercise every day or I don't do either for long periods of time. And if I am doing one of the above well, it's a safe bet I'm falling short in the other mentioned areas.
I've always brushed off this all or nothing life style as a quirky personality trait, but in reality, it's not normal. Normal, a word I hate but I'm using for a lack of a better term, is staying on top of most household chores, exercising a few days a week, eating moderately well, not letting mail stack up longer than a few days, etc. etc. I'm not talking about perfection, but I am referring to a fairly consistent way of life.
Now, let's set aside the above while we go back in time a few years to the first time I ever took any medication for my depression, anxiety, and all that crap...
I had a baby, a toddler, and a husband always gone working hard on building his business. I was constantly overwhelmed. We had a family friend who was a doctor. He was kind, knowledgeable, and trustworthy. He listened to my problems and I asked him to prescribe me an Rx for my "issues". He prescribed me something that helped for years. I still struggled with symptoms, but they were largely muted...for the most part, manageable. I will always be thankful for this Rx and my friend. In January I changed meds, went through a nightmare, and now I am off medication except to help me sleep (To be brought up to speed on said nightmare...click HERE).
My point is that I'd never been to a psychiatrist, had a psychiatric evaluation, or seen a therapist. I've only ever relied on doctor friends, and recently my primary care physician. I guess, in a way, I've been self diagnosing and my doctors have been inclined to agree with me. But when my waking nightmare occurred, all of this changed.
When I was in the midst of this enormous challenge a few weeks ago (it feels like a life time ago) I was desperate and called to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist and therapist (At this particular practice they require you meet with a therapist first then the therapist refers you to one of their psychiatrists). By the time they got back to me to set up a visit, I was feeling much better. My PCP had prescribed something that actually helped me sleep and I went off the medications that must not be named (unless you write to me and ask me about them:).
I'm ashamed to say I felt above going to a psychiatrist and/or therapist. I felt like I didn't need that. It some how felt too drastic. But, I immediately chastised myself. I said, "Self, there is nothing wrong with seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. In fact, it's smart and you're a big dumbie for not doing it sooner. Think about the nightmares you could have avoided if you would have spoken to psychiatric professionals sooner."
I'm a pretty good guilt tripper and made myself set up the appointments even though I felt awkward about it (Yeah, I know...I write a public blog about this stuff, but I felt awkward...whatever...).
Well people, I went for my visits and they have given me a lot to think about. I want to share my thoughts with you, but I think this post has gone on long enough. Stayed tuned until tomorrow to read all about my visit to...dun, dun, dun...The Shrink.